All You Had To Do Was Stay

I'm settled in my new home, and I honestly love it here.
Unpacking, getting my house together, and blasting Taylor Swift's new album has been so cathartic in so many ways.

I do find myself going back and forth between being happy and being uncertain about how things will turn out. I don't want to feel like I should have to worry about the future, but thinking about my situation still provokes doubt in the back of mind.

There's no point in dwelling on it, so I just need to focus on what I'm doing in the here and now.
Shake it off, girl.

Running, Running, As Fast As We Can... Do You Think We'll Make It?

I'm in this weird state of limbo that I can't seem to shake.
I will find out tomorrow or so if I've landed the place that I applied for.
In some ways, it's a fresh start, but it's also an end to certain things in my life that I have, until this point, taken for granted.

I know this move is for the best, but at the same time, the circumstances behind it are confusing and concerning. I am under the belief that when I move, he is going to phase himself out of our relationship. Despite his reassurance that my fears are in fact opposite of what will take place, it's just a painful fear that I've harbored.

Because I've felt torn between elation at having a new place, and general upset at moving away from the person I love, I've just felt uneasy and uncomfortable. I don't know if I should be savoring these last days that we're going to be living together, or not. It's weird, and it's stupid. I really wish I wasn't in this situation in general.

We'll see how things go.
In the meantime, I anxiously await the verdict... do I have this place? Do I not?
I really hope I'm approved, so at least I don't have to wonder about that.
Friday is my potential move in date, and that's only 2 days away at this point.
We shall see.

Like A Fine Wine

I get better with age... or at least, that's what I like to tell myself.
Years have gone by in the blink of an eye and it's astonishing to see where the paths chosen have led me. I learned a couple of hard lessons about friendship, and about love.

These lessons have come at no small cost to myself, or to those around me, and I've come to realize that I am not as selfless as I'd like to think I am... and people aren't as good as I'd like to believe. Everyone has a bravado that they carry around, to bolster them up when times are hard, or even when times aren't hard - constant little white lies they tell themselves to paint the world a place rosier than it really is, and to paint themselves lighter than they really are.

This time it's different. I've decided to embrace my selfishness, and have finally accepted that it's okay to not bend over backwards for people. It's always hard for me to draw the line at what I will or won't do for others, but this year has shown me that there has to be a boundary and I can't cross it. I have sacrificed so much of myself for other people, and it has set me back so much that it burns to think about it. Rather than dwell on these things (because it is completely unproductive), I am just going to make the choice to move forward and to not get bogged down in worry for others' well-being at the risk of jeopardizing my own.

I usually start off the year with hope for what the future will bring me, but this year I'm starting off with the determination to take what's mine and give it all I've got. Change doesn't happen while you sit there hoping for better. Change happens when you make it happen, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Friend or foe, don't stand in my way - it's my time now.